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Thursday, 13 March 2008 |
Words would leave me when someone I knew, who is strong, and who has a cheerful disposition, is facing a battle that I know he'd be able to pull-off in time.
You see, I have strong faith in some people that I am afraid I am missing the fact that they, too, are human. They, too, at times, would feel lost and even afraid of the unknown. I have a strong faith in God that He will never forsake any of my loved ones and dear friends in time of deep sorrow. And that faith, with a prayer, I always have within.
I have been to a lot of wakes the past week. I will be on another one this weekend. I am getting used to saying my "condolences" already as I am used to saying "hello". I feel bad. I want to say more every time but no words would come out of me. The last one, I just hugged the bereaved. I hugged her tight hoping her fear would somehow be lessened. Her husband, the pillar of her strength, has passed away.
"Paano na ako ngayon?" was a question you'd see in her eyes. And it is a question that I could probably answer in a blink of an eye but I'd rather keep it to myself.
I don't grieve over death. I see death as a wonderful event. A departure from this life to a better place-- I believe in those two words.
When my grandpa was sick and everyone was trying to decide whether to give him more morphine or not, I was given a chance to talk to him. I did not ask him to hold on. I did not ask him to fight some more.
"... take your rest now. You deserve it," was all I said.
I was happy when he left. I know leaving is the best thing for him to do. I don't remember crying because he's gone but I remember crying when I saw my grandma crying.
I grieve for those who are left behind.
She's tough. I know she will be okay. I know she will be well-taken care of by her children. But I cried and even until now, I would cry just thinking of the fact that, that one person that she has lived her whole life with, is gone. And no matter how people will surround her, no matter how crowded the place is, I know, there will be times that she will long for that ONE touch and that she will try to look for that ONE familiar face that she used to see every day. There will come a time that she'd wish he's still around.
And that certain time would be extremely painful.
The pain of being left behind. The pain of being alone. The thought that we can never see a person ever again. The pain of missing someone. The pain that nothing can be done now. The pain of seeing the end of something nice-- probably a good show.
I watch the actors give their best in every show. I watch how the crowd love them and I watch how they love the crowd. For a few hours, I would be aware that I was just watching a show. But when the final curtains fall, I'd realize, it was real life that I was watching.
And I was one of the crowd.
The pain. Some people get used to it. Some people don't.
Some people know the words to say when it attacks someone.
I am one of those who don't.
Let me remain silent. For in my silence, I will be praying for you. I will be praying with you.
Then I'd cry with you, especially at times when I can feel your pain.
I could be a spectator.
Still, allow me to feel some of the pain, especially on that certain time.
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