Have you ever felt like you're in a forest and that you're lost? I will not be referring to the AXN series here but my real-life drama.

 

For a 28-year-old, it's embarrassing to admit that I still feel lost. That in our small world, I couldn't see nor find my place. And though I try to make life simple, the truth is I am living a life which is composed of tangled parts.
 

You see, when most of my batchmates have already settled down, I remained single. When most of them were busy answering to their calling and finding comfort with their passions, I was busy looking for my own. When most of them were seriously shielding themselves from the harmful rays of the sun, I was carelessly taking the risk on hiking and backriding. When most of them were saving a part of their salary, I was spending mine to the last penny. When most of them stayed focused on their career, I kept turning my head and changing my views. When most of them have already built solid foundations for their future, I was on my own jumping from one floater to another. When most of them were striving to be better, I was striving to be simply happy and contented thinking that it was the best, until the day I heard the reveille that I was awakened with mixed sentiments and I have perceived that I was going round in circles.

 

I want to be a journalist, may it be in writing or in photography. I love to travel and be able to share my experience to other people through my writings and my photos. But I wasn't one of those privileged who were able to pursue their passion in college. And although I know there could be a chance for me to keep that passion alive, somehow, through my journey, part of me has given up.

 

I wasn't that strong to go against my mom's dream for me, that or maybe she has just sensed that my mind wasn't made-up to what I really wanted to be after high school. The reason why she has pushed me into something that she thinks will be good for me then, because it was something that was good for some of her peers' kids. As a good daughter, I obeyed, without knowing that on that moment, I have given other people the signal that I could easily be pushed. After which, I became too accepting.
 

B.S. in Computer Science, a good degree actually. But during my four-year stay in college, I have never mastered the craft that was presented to me because I was busy thinking of some ways to enjoy my ride. All the time I was waiting for someone to drive for me and make my life easier. Only because I have one thought in my mind-- that this is never the career that I want to pursue. I never aced my computer class in high school but I was enrolled to a computer course to pursue a degree in college. Programming is never my passion. Analyzing is never my forte. In fact, I have given up on hardcore programming years ago. I became complacent on HTML, WYSIWYG platform, the basic of all the basics. Then I felt myself stuck while the whole world seemed to keep on moving away from me. There was a war and I felt that I will be incapable of fighting with the kind of weapon I have-- like everyone has a laser gun while all I have is the classic bow and arrow and I don't even know how to really use it! I panicked and I saw no one to save me, no one to drive for me and bring me to my destination. No one, but me.
 

With these came some realization that I have done a lot of decisions in my past that has put me to where I am right now. I have dealt with every issue that was presented to me in ways that were almost the same. I have taken things as if they were not really meant for me, when the truth is they were. I was given a banana tree and I expected it to produce apples. And as an American writer, James Oppenheim, has put it, "The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet." Now I have two options to choose from: to remain foolish or to act wise.
 

Though programming is not my passion, somehow now, I see it interesting. Interesting in a sense that it could be one of my way to pursue that happiness that I was talking about years ago. It could be my passport to travel from one place to another, then I could have something to write about. It could be my gauge as to how strong I became from my personal struggles. And who knows, it could be my calling after all.
 

Although I have a direction to take now, I still feel lost. I do not know what is in store for me. Although I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I still can't see what I am walking through. It could be a quicksand or it could be something solid this time. There could be more fork-roads ahead. But whatever it takes, whichever road I choose, I have decided to stand firm and stronger now.
 

I had all the push I need to get moving. I had all the words I needed to hear to start thinking. I had all the inspiration I needed to keep on pursuing. I have taken steps forward and retracted some, believing that I have better options. Now, I am willing to give something that I have left behind years ago, another chance. And I am giving myself a chance to prove that I could be good and deserving in everything that I put myself into without relying much on anyone.

 

The battle has just begun. The puzzle remains unsolved. I am still inside a maze. But there's no turning back now. I have moved and I will keep on moving. So help me God. I couldn't make it to the end if not for Your guidance and for the numerous angels that You have sent to hold my hands and support me each time I fail.