when you're staring at your phone waiting for it to ring and hoping to hear his voice on the other line
when you're taking your mobile phone even in your bathroom thinking, "he might call"
when you don't get enough sleep at night, setting your mobile phone's ringer volume to its loudest
so that you could hear when it beeps or rings and yes, still hoping it'll be him
when your PC is almost 24/7 turned on and you're logged on to YM thinking "he might give me a buzz"
when everytime some miniscule thing makes you smile,
it's him you think about: "i wish i'm sharing this with you"
when everytime some thing (other than him being away) makes you down,
you wish he's with you to give you your favorite bear-hug
when at night your stomach grumbles or when you're craving for some food, it's him you think first
when it is his voice you want to hear at the beginning and at the end of the day (or just when you are about to close your eyes)
when you wanted to ask if he still loves you the same but you'd rather shut up, scared that he might lie
when your heart bleeds for the lack of "i love you" from his side
when you still wonder if he misses you when you know he's not because he's with someone else now
when you stick with him against all odds and knowing he will never be yours
and when you're in pain knowing no one could ever understand that

and lastly, when you tell yourself:
"I'm crying because I am sad. But I will be Ok.
I am happy for you because I know you are happy now."
and every time you cry, which is almost always,
you say those words and wish he could hear you...


but then you realized you've done these all
just to realize now that they have left you in pain at the end of the day
but still you're willing to undergo through the pain again
making this time different


and you realized you have to learn to cry silently
that no one may know you are grieving...
learn to smile at the pain
that no one may know that inside, you are dying...

learn...
so that no one will feel your pain.

and learn
to shut your world to every thing that gives you hope in him
(EVERYTHING!)
if you want to survive the excruciating days...



This time I will not ask to be remembered
for I have this feeling that I won't be missed.
but this I hope you will remember...


I LOVE YOU.
Those are the words I want you to remember when I am gone.
Not the things I am doing, not the happenings of my every day life
Not how I survived the days without you by my side.

I LOVE YOU.
How did I know?
I think I just told you.



and I will do everything to survive from this kind of love.



Alone, I will be walking into a dark tunnel again
hoping you'll take my hand at the end of your short journey. 

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