[a controversial entry]

My life, no matter how simple or complicated at times, has been an open book to a chosen few. My stories weren't as extraordinary as those we read on novels or pocketbooks. My mistakes and failures weren't as grave as those of murderers. My success, not as prestige as those of our superstars. In fact, the story that I am going to share to you here may not be different from yours nor from somebody else's. For the record, I am not writing for the sake of those who are/were involve/d and never for those who want to get involved. You may have heard another version but this is MY side of story.

THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY...

Ey and I have known each other since 1990. He's the youngest brother of my best friend, whose home became my second home back in those years, whose family became my surrogate family in Manila. They left for the States in 1996 but we've kept in touch through snail mails. While my best friend and I have kept our communication open and regular, Ey and his other siblings would sometimes send a note, too. I was never left outdated on the happenings of their lives in the U.S.. Who's going out with who, stuff about schools and work, etc., etc..

Ey, altho' I never thought of him in any romantic way (read: not even an attraction), I have to admit that I was fond of him just the same way that I was fond of his other siblings. He's a nuisance at times and he has this bad-boy image even then. It's no longer a news nor a big deal when they would tell me that their grandma visited the guidance office again or that he's fought with somebody again. It's no longer a news when we'd learn about his new girl friend (I remember him always on the phone talking to some girls). We would just laugh about it and let him be. He was okay and actually funny at times. I remember, I was especially fond of his magic tricks.

One thing that I will forever be grateful is that the family has made me feel at home without exerting much effort. I've loved them as my own that during the first few months after they have left for the U.S., I would find myself crying whenever I remember them. But it is all for the greater good. And knowing that made my moving on much easier. I have learned to cope up. I grab any chance that I have to send them my hello(s) through snail mails until internet has blossomed and we were introduced to emails, Friendster (and the like).

In 2005, they all went home to the Philippines to pay their last respect to grandma. It was the first time that I've seen Ey again since he left for the U.S.. He's all grown-up. We talked during the wake and gave a little update on each other. Then I left and never saw him again for the rest of their stay in the country until they all went back to their lives in the U.S.. and we all went back to our normal way of updating each other and of saying a simple hello via email and/or via Friendster messaging.

My best friend became busy juggling her job and her being a wife to her hubby and a mother to their child but sometimes Ey would update me on how things are going there.

Our email exchanges became frequent. He started to call. Once. Twice. Until the calls became as frequent as every day. Then we started missing each other. Each of us were (altho' I can only speak for myself) looking forward to our next online message and even to our next phone call. He would buy call cards and we'd talk for an hour. I did the same (thanks to VOIP-- cheaper calls). My phone bills have shoot up. No regret on my part. That was the cost we had to pay to bridge the distance.

Then he started to propose. What if we hit it off?

I did not take him seriously. I have known him like that since high school. He'd always tease me. Usually, I would just laugh at him and that would be the end of the story. He would be back to his world and I, to mine. That was him before. That was me then.

But this time, it was different. He was different. I was the same. I never entertained any thoughts that he could be serious. He is my best friend's brother and I knew him enough not to be convinced that he is being earnest until he has told my best friend and the rest of his family about the possibility of (him) being romantically involved with me.

And I believed he was serious. Maybe he was. But although this entry will go on with him being a part, let me remind you, this is not about him.

Focus...

So we were, or at least, I was in love on Valentine's Day 2006. My friends have seen me glow. Happiness was oozing forth from within me. I could rub it off to anyone I was with then. I made sure everyone knows about him. My friends. My family. His family. Definitely everyone. Love is something that you should never keep. So I let it flow.

Our communication became more constant. Without asking him nor demanding from him, he would call everyday. When he's about to sleep or when he wakes up. He would update me on how things were with him there, he would share his goals and his dreams. He would share his weaknesses and his strengths.

I did the same.

We laughed. We dreamed of being together.
 

"I love you, you know that, right?", I can still remember him asking me that question.

"I don't want you to think or feel that I've changed, that's why I make sure I give you a call or send you a message."
"I might marry her when I go home..."
"I want you here."
"I think I'm in love with you."
"I should have done this a long time ago. I have this one chance now, and I'm going to take it."

I have kept one online and I have a fat 'lil notebook where I have written on everyday and have given it a title:

FILLERS... While you are away.
For Ey. By Mae.

A journal of my journey while waiting for him. He has it now. Although it was badly written (you know, my handwriting sucks!), he said he wanted to read it. It was written for him anyway.

I never missed a day. It has helped me a lot. Felt like I was always talking to him there. I have filled that up for him. I never wanted him to see me as a stranger. I was never a stranger.

Then twice a week I would send him a letter and some cards via airmail. I was happy just imagining him opening his mailbox everyday with letters from me. I never missed a week. It became my commitment. I enjoyed every single moment of it. From picking up the cards, stationery, to filling them in with words, and handling it to the post office.

He was planning to take a vacation in April 2006 but the plan was pushed to the latter part of the year. In the end, there was no Ey in the Philippines in 2006.

People got tired of me telling them how excited I am whenever there is a plan of him going back here for a vacation. I understand. It was never an easy task so I never questioned him. I never nagged. I never doubted about his plans. I made sure there's none, not even an inch of doubt in him. Now I realized, I probably never had any expectation from him. I had no standard. All I knew then was, I was in love...er... was I?

I am a happy person. His calls meant a lot to me knowing that he's paid $5 for every phone card and that he's taken some time off to call me. I would never waste our time with me nagging or talking about some drama or sentiments. I would just listen to his unending stories about himself, his gang, his hobbies and his work. I never got tired. Not even got tired of waiting.

Sometime in October 2006, I discovered something. Pictures. A Multiply site and another one. With some old and some new stories. He had a girlfriend. They broke up. Then they got back together during "our" time.

Although I was expecting such thing will happen, I was hurt. Blood rushed to my head. My heart? Oh! Never mind my heart. I kept my cool. I have gone through such turmoil before and what I discovered about him is nothing compared to my past. He knew that.

"Eh, may girlfriend ka na pala eh (You already have a girlfriend)", I told him casually during one of his calls. Maybe he thought I was kidding.

"Oo, ikaw," he replied thinking maybe that he got away with such answer. Then he started his usual talk. About him, his work, his life, etc., etc.. and more about him. I started seeing that side of him. I started descending from cloud nine. He can't even tell me when my birthday is when I asked him. He called me first week of November to greet me a happy birthday. My birthday was on the 30th.

I wasn't hurt. In fact that made me laugh not because it is funny to have a boyfriend who doesn't know exactly when your birthday is, but he was funny. Laughable. Duh!

Right. Duh!-- could be the right term. I am not mocking on anyone here. FYI: I was still in love.

I knew then that he's playing. So I tried to tell him about the pages and the pictures that I saw. I did not tell him the link tho'. I did not want to cause any harm to anyone. It was my fight alone. I did not want any girl to be involved. It was just me aiming to get the truth from him. From him. Not from anyone else.

I went with the flow. Altho' his calls became less frequent, the relationship went on for some more months. Until January of 2007 came. He's really going back here. It was too late tho' because I have sent him my break-up letter. One email copy sent to him and my best friend and a snail-mail copy for him hoping he'd get it before he goes back here. With the break-up letter, was the rest of the cards that I bought for him. There's no reason to send him one (or two) every week. There's no reason to keep the rest of them either.

The Break-Up Letter:

"You're trying to enjoy whatever is offered to you, you're trying hard to keep your faith that everything is right, you're trying to convince yourself that you have something that this time could work out, and you fully believed that someone you love, loves you the same way. And you fully entrusted yourself that this person will never hurt you the way the others did. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, in just one click, a revelation of some sort popped up. First, there were pictures. You brushed it off telling yourself that they are just pictures. You brushed it off convincing yourself that maybe they're just close friends who wanted their pictures taken together (and seem like a couple). You brushed it off and somehow, you were successful. Assuming is never on your vocabulary and giving a benefit of a doubt rules in your everyday life. And somehow it worked for you. You kept the faith. You believed there's nothing else behind those images in front of you. Ahhh.. pictures are worth a thousand words but you chose to pick only the good ones and trashed the words that would destroy how you look at it. You wanted to see the good on a not-so-good picture and that worked for a while until words presented themselves to you. There's no way you can deny it to yourself now. The words that came were exactly the opposite of what you were trying to interpret the picture. And this time, you cannot brush it off nor shrug it off of your shoulder. Reality has confronted you and you have to face it else you'll make a fool out of yourself..."

So here I am.

 

I do not need an explanation. From the very start, I knew the possibilities that I could go through such case. I know the pain because I've been through that before (even worst). But I took the risk for LOVE. It was painful but I have no regrets. I did my part, I played my role well. And I did it wholeheartedly. The only thing that I have a control over is myself. We have our free-will and we may use it the way we want to use it. And I respect the way other people use that free-will.

 

LOVE. It's a vast thing that we don't have a control over. Once again, I asked myself like I've asked myself before, "who am I to stop love from growing into other people's lives? Who am I to stand between two people in love?".

 

So here I am.

 

Go to where your heart is, Ey. I asked you before to save me from going through the same break-up I went through the last time, but I guess it couldn't be helped, right? Don't worry, although it hurts, I understand. You know I will always understand. And I will always be grateful that I took the risk and that I took a chance on you. I cannot say if it's worth it but it did me well. The love I had for you has pushed me to do things that I should have done a long time ago. And wherever I am right now, I will always remember that it happened during "our" time.

 

Here are the cards I've collected over time. It's YOU whom I think about everytime I pick one. It's just right to send them all to you now for I know I will never have another chance to do it. It's for YOU and I cannot keep it and give it to some other guys. So take it altho' the words could mean nothing to you now, it meant something for me while picking them.

 

LOVE. Ahh.. I love saying that word. But I know its meaning will fade away as I enter the tunnel again.

 

If in case you receive this before coming home to P.I. (if ever you will), don't let this change a thing of who you are. This isn't goodbye. As of this writing, I am still looking forward to spending some time with you. I think we owe that to our relationship. I will keep in touch. Normally I would stop, but I guess love is stronger than I thought. The past few weeks were trying time for me tho'. The questions, "Should I give it up? Would he want me to give it up? Is he just waiting for me to let go?" kept ringing in my head.

 

Yup. I still love you. I wish I could stay longer. I wish I could hang on longer. But we cannot have the best of two worlds nor have our cake and eat it, eh?

 

If ever we're not given that chance to see each other soon, then if some time, somewhere, we meet each other again, let's not think of this past. Altho' it's good, It was a dream that remained a dream. And dreams meant nothing until it becomes a reality. But ours never happened or perhaps it will never will. But then again, I cannot dictate on fate.

 

Oh well... life is a series of ups and downs, of laughters and tears, of happiness and sorrows, of dramas and comedies. But to sum it up, Life goes on...

 

Let's try to live a GOOD LIFE...

 

You're a nice guy Ey. But we must remember that there's a thin line between being nice and being good. I have faith in what you can do and of what you can be.. if only you're given the chance. You have dreams, I know. Protect it. I will be rooting for you.

 

God bless and I'll see you around, alright?

True. Even when I sent him the break-up letter, I was still hoping then that I was wrong about my conclusion. He never confirmed his relationship with another girl so I was still hoping that we will work things out. I was in denial.

Then he's here. Some time in January of 2007. He was here. He called. Asked me to come over to their place in Sampaloc. I didn't know what to expect. Did he receive my letter? I had to know.

In or out of the relationship, I had to see him. So I went. His relatives whom I've known for over a decade already were there. Then he's introduced me not as his sister's best friend but his girlfriend. I was all right. When we had the chance to be alone, I told him that I was breaking up with him...

"I thought you're kidding!", he said.

I was like.... "ha?!" We ended up laughing.

"Don't you ever think of anything or anyone else, alright?" he said.

In silence, I remained. I did not pursue on the subject. Told him he'd know everything when he goes back to the U.S.. Meanwhile then, I decided to give the relationship a try. I felt safe. Or could be that I have convinced myself that I am safe.

We spent good times together. He saw my place here in Makati and I have introduced him to my landlady and my housemate.

"Thank you for taking care of my Mae here..." he said when he talked to my landlady. I think that was sweet of him. He said he wanted to fix my place like buy me a futon as I was only using a yoga mat for a sack. I kept on telling him I was okay with my space. I have my reasons. Then before I call for a cab for him to go home, we read together my favorite book: Hey, I Love You (by Ian Whybrow and Rosie Reeve) which I bought a copy for him.

The rest of his vacation was all fun except for one scene that I regret spending time with him...

It was the christening of my high school friend's baby and I was invited. He knew them since high school and I thought he would appreciate seeing them and being a part of the event. I was wrong. We left just before the mass has ended. He was complaining of the heat. The church had no A/C. The place could be unsafe for a balikbayan like him, etc., etc..

We said goodbye to my friends, AT, JC (and her family). I felt guilt. One, for bringing him over and causing him discomfort; two, for leaving my friends behind during the celebration. It was my fault. I can never take it back. Still, I chose to enjoy the rest of the day, tried forgetting about it.

And the fun continued. We spent some time with his relatives in Laguna too where I was able to introduce him to some of my friends there.

"Mahalin mo ang pamangkin namin ha? (Love our nephew, ha?)", I remember his uncle saying that. I just smiled. I will love him without being asked.

Then I brought him to Greenbelt where we bar-hopped. I just let him enjoy his trips. He feels proud engaging some conversation with some people in the club. I would just sit at the bar and have my drink or enjoy the company that we had that night. I have seen another side of him that night. Yin and Yang.

Then came the 25th of January...

It was time to really say goodbye. I opted to take a leave from work and stay with him. Helped him finish packing and double-checking his stuff. Called for a cab and decided to accompany him to the airport. Although I knew I love this guy, I knew too that it's time to let him go. We did not have to talk about what could be waiting for our relationship but I knew what's going to happen. He denied having another girl from the very start and I believed in him. Nevertheless, I have an open mind and an accepting heart. I have loved him and my love will push him to where he should belong.

"Are you disappointed?" he asked on our short trip to the airport. I was not. I was glad that we both took our chance I said. No one will ever disappoint me as I never put any expectation on anyone.

Then he asked, "Will you wait for me?"

That time I had to get real. I can keep my faith in love but I will have to go down the dream-wagon then. It was about time.

"If you find someone who could love you more than I could love you, marry her at once." I said. My point was, it doesn't matter if he love her, what matters is that she will love him unconditionally as that's how things will work for a guy like him. He's gone through a lot in life. He's smart enough to know what he needs in life.

I knew it was my last goodbye to him when we parted at the airport but I asked him to let me know when he arrives safely to his destination. He did. He gave me a call at once and gave me an update on what went on there while he was away. It was nice of him to do that. Even thought it was sweet.

He thanked me for being with him, said sorry for his attitude when he was dealing with some pressure back there, asked me to send him a message once I get home so he could call me, and out of the blue, has told me that he misses me already. He was back to his old self. I was back to the real stuff.

Then he opened the box with my empty cards and my break-up letter. He was surprised. I was serious. He was disappointed.

"I wanted to break up with you, but I can't," he said when he called me. I did not ask why he can't. There could be a lot of reasons that I did not care to know about already. I have moved on the moment I said goodbye at the airport.

He would still call after that. We would still talk about how he's doing there. His job. His friends. His family. I am happy that he's still sharing a lot about what's happening in his life back there. But when his calls became seldom, it was okay. I never expected him to call me anyway. For me, it's good that we're back to our old ways.

Then I decided to send him a smile via his Friendster account and I couldn't find it anywhere. He explained to me that he had to remove his account as he's not comfortable with having his profile being seen by other people. So I decided to send him an email instead. Was even making a joke of him being threatened by the online world. And I received the following reply:

m not trying to disrespect you but...

hope u'll stop sending Ey emails.

please..

thank you.

sorry abwt my gurl emailing you. i didnt know she went tru my account...i had to cancel my friendster..and now shes handling my emails..its kinda sad but...i have to...i realized that i cudnt afford to lose her and im sorry for lying to you. me and her been together for about 3years and now i finally woke up from the truth that shes the one ive been looking for my whole life. i wish you all the best too and always be safe..

yeah. that was really funny. natawa talaga ako. apologies accepted. the day i knew about her last year, I knew where we're heading and have accepted it the day I sent you the break up letter... like what i have told your sister and your brother, we all want what's good for you. i am happy that you have realized what you really want... she seemed nice. i understand that sometimes people have to defend their territories when they feel threatened. (hi gurl ;) )

... Let's forget about what has transpired between us, THEN being friends and NOW. Be good now Ey... hehehe =)

He would still call and he would tell me that his ex-girlfriend has hacked down his email and YM and that she's taken control of it. I was just listening. I cannot comment on that. It could be his words against her words or his words against his own words. Anyway, I always end up laughing with the story that he's came up with. Then we'd talk some more. The same. He'd talk about his life there. His activities. His family. Etc., etc..

"Advance Happy Birthday! I know it's not yet your birthday but let me greet you now. You know, I will never call you again. I will never text you nor email you coz I might get a weird reply coming from someone again...", I told him one time when he called. We were both laughing. He said he'd call me on his birthday so I could greet him again. I was like... "fine, do whatever" from then on.

"Basta Happy Birthday na...", I repeated. I know I will never have my chance to greet him again.

Although I knew I was okay with or without him, I do appreciate his calls. He was a good friend anyway and we always laugh about something when talking, which is good. It was cool. I was fond of him again. I have known him since he was a kid and whatever has happened between us, I have taken it as a plain dream. I am thankful that I was awakened.

One time he called again and this was how our conversation went:

Him: Happy birthday...
Me: Uhh.. matagal pa ang birthday ko. Hahaha!
Him: Ha? kailan nga ba?
Me: Lol! I know you won't really remember the exact date. So go find it out and let me know...
Him: I miss you.
Me: Awww... hehehe. Oh! Merry Christmas na lang ha?
Him: Hahaha! Happy New Year! and really, happy birthday..
Me: Matagal pa nga! Anyhow, thanks.
Him: [as we hear the warning] My time is up, I miss you.
Me: Bye.

Yes, he still cannot remember my birthday. LOL! I could always laugh at him about that. In a good way, I say. It's one thing that I would miss-- laughing with him. Talking as if we never had a past. We were back to normal I would say.

After a few months, he has stopped calling. Never heard from him. I was hoping all is well then. That they (with his girl) are doing okay. And that he would be brave enough not to deny her of what a girl deserves. She has to be known. Be introduced not only to friends but to his family. And finally he did. It was good. Finally. Everyone is smiling.

This is MY story. A happy-ending story about me being a meantime girl in a not so-distant past.

You see, only until you have accepted that these things could happen (and they happened) will you have peace within you.
Only until you feel peaceful that peace would exude from you.
Only until you acknowledge peace that it will be rubbed off to anyone nearest you.

Only until then that you will feel that you chose the right path in the past knowing it has paved a good journey to someone other than yourself.

There are words better said at a certain time. I have said those words before they have expired.

These are just facts laid in front of you now. You may choose to be affected although it's too late since it's over a long time ago. Or you may choose to read again and try to get some hidden message, which I assure you, there's none.

You may have heard another version. Could be revised. Could be totally modified. In everything, you have a choice.

You may choose to leave this in the past or you may choose to drag this to your present life. Either way I will have no say on that. A book has its chapters. Although badly written, you chose to read one-- This one.

Yup! I was once a meantime girl. That, I cannot deny. *wink*

[end of chapter]

Readers have left 10 comments.

 1. Untitled
none, Unregistered

I don't know what are you trying to do by posting all this online. You just disrespected me and my girlfriend. I hope now you are happy and satisfied of what you did. If you got problems call me on my cell I am sure you still remember my number..but incase you dont here it is #####.

 Posted 2008-05-04 05:53:32

 2. Untitled
Guest, Unregistered

oh boy, someone is upset and is not happy with this.

 Posted 2008-05-04 09:35:38

 3. Untitled
Luka, Unregistered

I would be upset if my name is in here. Maybe we should call NONE's number and ask him/her who he/she is. He/She could be one of the main characters in this story.

There's no name-dropping in this article, what's the issue?

... unless the characters "voluntarily" reveal themselves, it's not a big deal.

It's a good story.

 Posted 2008-05-04 12:40:56

 4. Untitled
Tsk Tsk, Unregistered

what's the big fuzz? if the story here is true, what could stop the owner in posting his/her experience? No names were mentioned. If Mr./Ms. ##### here is involed in the story, why react that way? Is he/she ashamed of what he/she did?

 Posted 2008-05-04 13:14:23

 5. Untitled
I am not none, Unregistered

IF (there's an if!!!) i were one of the main characters in the story, i'd be upset too only IF I LIED AND WAS NEVER TRUE TO MY ACTIONS. Obviously, if it was me and I lied about something, it wouldn't fit in the pieces of the 'other' story that i made up. None => <= gf

this is a public domain and a public blog. i don't see anything wrong with what the author wrote especially that there weren't any names mentioned. granted there is an initial, what the (?!?!?), there's a lot of "ey's" in the world!!

there's an old pinoy saying 'bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan huwag magagalit'. so if this post hit someone bull's eye, then go and write (and rant!!) in your own blog.

peace!!!

 Posted 2008-05-04 13:26:34

 6. Untitled
Mae, Unregistered

oooppsss!

take time to click the WEBSITE link below please or copy this URL and read: http://www.mytrafficlife.com/index.php/Blog-Stop/Stop_reading.html

 Posted 2008-05-04 20:33:37

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