I stopped playing badminton, I haven't enrolled to a gym, there's not much time for me to make at least one card a week, I feel bloated, and I found out the other day that I have gained 5lbs (yes, the few that I had a very hard time shedding off!). What else could make me feel bad about myself?

Not having a time (solely) for myself is one thing. Not having time for my health (and fitness) is another. And not being able to hit my target (in card-making) just makes it worse. I feel inadequate; lame; even unproductive.

But what can I do?

I work from Sunday to Friday. When I get home on weekdays, I only have 1 to 2 hours to have dinner, prepare my stuff for the next day, and prepare myself for bed. On Sundays, I need to cook (and think of the coming week ahead).

I used to play badminton on Saturdays; buy grocery; hear the anticipated mass; and cook a lot. Realizing how much time playing badminton takes from my day (I leave at 9:30am then back at (2:30pm-- including the travel time from Great Neck to Flushing) and how much money I spend ($16/day + $23/tube of birdies that lasts for 2-3 days of playing + $22/string that's good for 2months +$4 towel grip that is good for 2 days at play + my hydration for let's say $10/day + $4.50/day fare) -- do the math. Even if I don't spend on strings, grips, and birdies every day on my games, I would still have to cash out around $25 every Saturday that I play. Then came another wake-up call that my endurance is not getting better (because I don't get to play regularly and the work-out is not just enough). The $25/day is not just worth it. The praises (yes, they think I am good!) are not just good enough to push me to keep doing what I am doing; simply because I feel my body is not getting better, when in fact, my main reason in getting back to the court is to bring back the old "Mae" who I believe never gets tired and who feels fit and healthy all the time. Those were the old days, I guess.

So I thought of giving up badminton and try going back to the gym. There's a gym near our place, maybe 10 to 15-minute walk (it's a very short bus-ride). But then, if I go to the gym, I might to have the chance to work on my cards because (lately) I do a lot of cooking at home, too. Don't get me wrong, I like cooking. It's the (time-)pressure that I don't like.

I admit, sometimes I feel like I am losing myself. Most of the time I ask myself, "what happened to my Saturday?". Or, "what have I done for myself?"

Right. I was alone for a long time and I loved those years of independence. What could be great now is that when I know I am with someone who'd support what I like and what I love doing. I know C dislikes my playing badminton (but he just lets me do it because he knows it makes me happy); I am not sure if he likes gym, either, but I know he'll support me on that, too (so maybe that's one thing that's stopping me). I know I can do what I want but it's different when you share the same interest and thinking on health and fitness. But I couldn't complain.

C is a good man; a good partner. He takes care of me (I have said that many times). He wakes up early so he can prepare my breakfast before I leave for work (because I don't have much time for that in the morning). He makes sure I am fed well. He makes sure I don't get sick. I have a lot of things to be happy about, to be grateful of; instead I am complaining. This is not good. I am losing my momentum.

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