My Traffic Life

I am Mae German. 34 years old. Born in Mangatarem, province of Pangasinan. I was taught and trained by Juan Dela Cruz, and I am currently being trained for more by Uncle Sam. Writing since the age of 12. Blogging since 2001. I keep a notebook and a pen in my bag, on my bedside table, and inside the bathroom. Misses a lot. Sometimes even my own voice. Loves to laugh. Sometimes even at myself. I am a work in progress. My ultimate dream is to be a SAHM. That is, if I am bound to have that chance in this lifetime... and I am.

My Traffic Rules

Don't take my words personally. At times, not even literally. This is my journal. You're my reader. My spectator. Applaud. Yawp. Yawn. Smile. Frown. Rave. Rant. Or not. Neither can I see you from where I am standing nor can I hear you.

This is not my life. Maybe just a part of it. But this is me meandering through life. My emotions fluctuate. My opinion varies. If it's too hot in here and you can't take it, leave. If it's dull and too cold, go somewhere else for warmth. I won't wipe the frown on your brow.

My stories, unless stated otherwise, are mostly fictional. Fiction could be based on reality. Still, they are fiction. Don't own it. Don't live in it. It is what it is. Leave it.

Watch out for the traffic light. Follow the rules. Cruise.

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You looked at your life from atop and saw yourself going in circles, probably like a dog chasing its own tail. You are trying but still you are going nowhere. You've given all and you felt like you're not getting any in return. You're tired and now you wanted to stop whatever you're doing. Giving up is tempting, in fact giving up is so easy. Then you wish for things to change. You wanted things to be your way-- to be the receiver, to be understood, to be needed, to be loved.

Maybe not everyone has gone through such phase in their lives. But let me tell you this, as I have told you many times before: You are not the only one who has gone through such personal turmoil. I confess, I have gone through that phase many times before and I am still going through it some time.

I was ignored (or at least I felt like I was ignored). I was misunderstood. I was left-behind. Love, sometimes was never fair to me either. My heart was crushed & trampled. I was wounded.

At some point, I saw my life stood still as if staring back at me and saying, "What now?". And then feeling ashamed, I would look around and see everyone, everything was moving -- fast! I get dizzy watching the world in that pace, by the way. It would make me slow down as if I could still be slower than the slowest. Then I would get tired and I would think of giving up. But each time that I am at the edge of the crossroad, I know I should make a decision-- the right one.

You see, I can choose to be wrong for all who cares, I am alone, just like you are (if I am not mistaken). I can choose to harden my heart or I can choose to cry it all out to lighten my burden. Believe me, crying has helped me a lot (sometimes, I miss doing that kind of therapy *wink*). I can choose to have a little drama with God and ask Him (*music please*) "Why, God? Why me?! What's Your reason behind all these?" or I can choose to ask Him to embrace me like a baby (most of the time, I am asking for a bear-hug though) and never let go of my hand.

Yes, I can even choose to just hate the world and those who excels in life without even trying! I can choose to be envious or jealous. I can choose to be mad. But I never did and I don't think I will ever do.

Crossroads. Fork-roads. Whatever road you are facing right now, I am telling you, it is just a road. Someone Greater than your own understanding, Someone Greater than your own pain, has put that road there-- built and created just for YOU. Walk on it with faith. Cry if you have to. It is human to cry. Let out a good cry. It is all right to be afraid. Your wounds will be healed. Your doubts will be gone in no time.

And while you are taking small steps, pretend that you're happy. Smile when someone sees you, even when you are hurting. Hold on to that pretentious joy and it will stick with you. In no time it will envelop your whole being until your old sulky and gloomy self is gone.

Let you be? Me, leave you behind? No way! I am sorry but I just can't. Please be reminded that we are on the same boat. When the boat rocks, that's me (don't you dare throw me in to the water!).

Come on! Still feeling soggy? *sigh* I like being where I am now, so instead of wishing I am there, I'd wish you're here so that I could just call you and say, "Hey, Wanna go out for some coffee?" We don't have Kopi Roti here, but we do have Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts if we want a cheaper chat. *your treat, I still don't have a job! LOL!*

... These times, I wish that you are just a cab away. You know I'd drag you out of your comfort zone, right?

Ahhh! I am running out of words. Let me just share to you one prayer that I am sure you know about. It's the St. Francis Prayer. Get a copy and keep one on your bedside. Close your door. Take it out. Be silent. Keep still. Read it or pray it whenever you feel that the world is being unfair to you. I am not being preachy here, but trust me on this: Never lock yourself up in your room without a copy of this one.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.