Or has it begun?

I am no cry baby but I have to admit that I was relieved to have tears finally trickling down my cheeks last night. I know I was feeling a twinge of desolation, of gloominess, or of whatever it is you want to call it-- that thing that one feels when parting with someone.

I was too busy to really dive-in to that emotion. There were days that I'd tell myself I'd rest early, pray, and try to shed some tears, but then, after my evening prayers, the next thing I know is, my alarm clock went off already.

Crying is therapeutic for me. Weeping have been, at times, my prayer. And my prayer have always been my refuge. I cry when I feel extremely sad. I cry when I feel overwhelmed. I cry when I couldn't contain the pain within. I cry when I feel the overflowing of blessings.

A dear friend started it at dawn on Saturday. Lately, I was trying hard to live my life one day at a time. I don't know if I want to speed up time or slow it down. So I decided I'd just cruise. Act normal as I could...

...until he called and started talking.

There could be truth in his words but we both know those words are worthless now. He admitted it's too late now but he just had to say it-- take it off his system. I told him, he was just in a hurry.

He was my crush. I was (secretly) in love with him since I learned the word "love" but decided to keep my distance thinking I'd remain unnoticed. But I guess I was wrong.

What's ironic is, after all that's he's told me and the truth that I've said, my feelings for him that I have kept all my life, have all gone. I still admire him (can I still use the word "crush"?) but the love I could no longer find. Could be the truth has set me free. And I'd like to think that it has set him free, too.

Well, maybe in our next lifetime. And we agreed. Maybe in our next lifetime... or the next... or the next (mahaba pila eh! LOL!).

I know he took in lots of courage to speak up.

"You're just being emotional because you're thinking that we might not see each other again. Hey! We will still see each other." All I can say to him to make him feel much better.

And my words, like some arrows, have sunk in deep into me last night...

... and I was guided to where I could swim in my own tears. And it was, exactly, what I needed.

When my mind just refuse to process the details of the day's meeting, I had to find comfort from my mentor and friend-- JS has pushed me to think straight and start doing the things that I should be doing. Plan, start listing TO-DOs, and work ahead of time. I know but...

"...I am crying but because of one thing-- I am going to miss you guys. I know I am going to have a new set of friends. Probably, I will get used to missing all of you. But I don't want to get used to that. I will probably get used to not having you guys around. But the thing is, I don't want to get used to not having you around..."

And the crying continuous...

... only it has a schedule. *teehee*

Thank God, I am (still too) busy to think more about that. I haven't even finished doing my list of TO-DOs yet. *palo!*

Adjustments and changes will be felt by mid-August. That's me, reminding myself.

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