Well, what I think right now has nothing to do with whatever event or occasion is coming. What am I thinking anyway? Hmmm... let's see. Last night, I went to sleep crying because I realized I cannot buy myself a piece of chocolate. You see, my taste bud is after the taste of chocolates lately... Onat and I even stopped over at the SELECT-SHELL gas station to buy a bar of Rally chocolate and a bag of M&Ms, which I indulged myself while we were on our way home. Last night was fun. I can still recall how happy I was stuffing myself with chocolates. The next day? No toothache but well, I wanted to feel that same feeling again but something stopped me from eating the chocolates we bought at the Cash & Carry Supermarket. The money didn't come from me and the chocolates were not given to me voluntarily. I asked and so it was given to me. I asked from somebody who is, like me, working hard to earn a living. I asked from somebody who is, like me, waiting for the next payday to come. That! It hit me. Can't I buy myself a box of chocolates whenever I want to? The fact? I CAN'T. And that truth really hurts me. If I cannot buy myself a box of chocolates whenever my taste bud calls for it, what more could I buy the special people in my life their box of chocolates?

I am not getting younger. In fact, I am turning 25 this year. Asked me what I have accomplished and I could show you my list of friends, my rabbits, and my homepage. And oh by the way, I have my own 20" television and a bean-bag. I cannot show you my own bank account 'coz I don't have one. But I do have a bank card... a credit card. I have a nice place... a rented apartment. I have my telephone and a mobile phone. I pay for my rented apartment, my water bill, electric bill and of course my two phone bills. In fact, I was thinking of installing a cable-TV this weekend. Need more? I AM HUMAN. I buy bath soap, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, laundry soap and dishwashing soap... and of course FOOD. I AM A GIRL. I buy lotion, powder, panty liners, and sanitary napkins. All for my monthly income of Pxxxxx. I think before I buy my clothing. I think before I buy myself a box of chocolate. And most often I end up not buying anything at all. 

Indeed I live in a place where nothing is free. I know that. And I am sure you're aware that there are free things in this world which money cannot buy. Oh how glad I am that there are still things money cannot buy!!! I have a family, wholeheartedly given to me by God. I have real God-given friends even wrapped in different style, different gift-wrappers. I am free to live the way I want to live. I am free to dream and decide. It's free to love anybody, free to hold your love one's hand, give a kiss freely to your parents, give an advice or two to anybody for free, smile at someone, give a hug, and even give an assurance. But when somebody knocked at my door and asked me "Pwede po bang makahingi ng kahit konting tulong...", if my family asked for some financial assistance or if one of my friends needed something, should I give them a hug instead of giving them what they NEED? In fact, I will give them a hug and that a hug is the only thing I could give them right now. And it's weird giving myself a hug every time I disappoint myself, huh? In fact, there were many times I cried for not being able to give some people what they have asked from me and for not giving myself the things I wished to have. Indeed, yesterday I cried over a box of chocolate.

My mom said I could be better. I could have the best of the things I want. I could have everything I need. I could buy the best camera I wished for ever since I was a child. I could go to the places I want to go and buy anything I wish to buy. I could get married anywhere I want and invite everybody I want to invite. I could give her anything she wishes for. I could help anybody who has a financial need. I could have a bright future. IF ONLY I work abroad. I tried shutting my ears for years. I never listened to her every time she starts her usual sermon about my job and how I could earn a lot abroad. I turn my back at her ideas. I keep on telling myself I am happy with what I am and that I am contented. Here, I have my friends. I could travel with my love ones (somebody has to treat me of course). I wouldn't miss anybody. But the box of chocolate I cannot buy... not for myself, not even for my love ones.

Should I stay or should I go? I don't know. My decision is upto HIM. But I have to agree, my mom is right.